Starbomb is a band comprising of GameGrumps members Egoraptor(Arin) and Danny Sexbang(Dan).
Egoraptor: "Hello everyone. I am Egoraptor and welcome to the first album of Starbomb. A holy shit amazing new band I created with these guys: Ninja Sex Party.
Danny: Hello, my name is Danny Sexbang. I'm the lead singer of NinjaSexParty.
Egoraptor: "That band he was just talking about."
Danny: "and this here is Ninja Brian. Say "hi" Ninja Brian."
Egoraptor: "Fantastic! Now, before we begin annilhiating your fucking soul with tasty-ass jams, we'd like to say that we don't own the rights to the characters that we parody on this album. Like uh...Zelda, or Mario, or...uh...Metroid Girl. Samus, that's her. But it is parody, which means according to the exact text of the law: "The fair use of a copyrighted work including such use by reproduction in copies of photo records or by any fucking means specified by that section, for purposes such as shit like criticism, comment, teaching, scholarship or research is not a god damm infringement of copyright." "I guess what we're saying Nintendo-- we love you. Thanks for not suing us. Now let's commence the rock!"
I Choose You to DieEdit
After Ash Ketchum beats the Elite Four, he becomes depressed and starts showing domestic violence towards his Pokemon. After being arrested, Pikachu posts his bail and shoots him twice in the nuts.
Egoraptor:"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Egoraptor and Ninjasexparty! Gotta catch e'm all! Smell my balls!
Yo what up bitch, I'mma tell you a tale about how Ash Ketchum got his ass sent to jail! Beat the Elite Four, won the tournament war, but he just couldn't get the same rush as before!
"Fat and depressed, his life had gone south. so he turned to Pikachu and then he punched him in the Meowth
He felt so alive, he felt so real. He beat all his Pokemon with his fists of Registeel"
He got arrested for Domestic Violence, it was a crazy motherfucking Cacturne of events."
He said that Pika's bruises happened on the stairs when he fell. The cops said "Gran-Bull shit" and threw that bitch in a cell!
Danny: "Rock on! This is a fucked up tale of Pokemon! Gone wrong! (Gone wrong!)
That's right! This shit is tight, when Egoraptor's at the mic! (bitch!)
Egoraptor: Ash was in trouble as soon as he arrived, he Megamite not make it out of prison alive. His lawyer ran in with a big state trooper, bringing fiery news like Charmanderson Cooper.
"It's your lucky day, Pika posted your bail" so Ash found his little friend outside of the jail. But Pikachu was different, he had mentally snapped. Ash was Chandelured into his deadly trap.
Pika pulled out a gun and then he said with a cry "Suck a yellow dick bro! I choose you to die!"
Don't do it!" yelled Ash "You know I got your back!" but Pika pulled the trigger, and shot him twice in the sack.
Danny: "Holy fuck! I don't know if you've been shot in the nuts! Spoiler: It sucks! and oh Squirtle! Gotta catch 'em all, but they just might ruin your balls! and poor Misty! Again and A-Gengar, she'll have Ghastly screams that Haunter dreams! But you want more! And if you don't we'll beat your ass, till it's Bulbasaur!"
Egoraptor: *screaming* "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah! *calming down* Pokemon"
After Mario disrupts Luigi's ballad to Peach, she finds herself forced to choose between the two.
Animated Music VideoEdit
Luigi: "Princess Peach, won't you listen to my speech? I don't have any stars of invincibility, but you're the brightest star in the sky tonight for me. I'm your Luigi."
Mario: "What up bitch? I got a 1-up bitch! What's inside the question block? It's my dick! It's a-me-a Mario, I'm more italian than Pastrami, I'll take you by the peaches and give you the hot Salami! I saved you from Dragons and evil Boos that are spooky. Must I be a Raccoon to get inside your Tanooki? I will mount you like Yoshi and show you things you've never seen! My Mushroom's now Mega if you know what I mean so suck it!"
Luigi: "Mario you always do this shit. I like a girl and then you ruin it, by yelling stuff about your dick until they go away."
Peach: "Hey Luigi, it's okay. That Mario's a bit risque. Just tell me what you need to say. Please don't be afraid!"
Luigi: "Oh Princess, it means so much for me to hear you say that. The only thing I've ever wanted to tell you is that-"
Mario: "I'm here to pleasure that ass. I'd like to go first Princess, but I always come last, and you say we'll get together but I'm jacking off alone. Koopa Troopa Skeleton's aren't the only Dry Bones! I am tired of your runaround in such a fucking hassle, I go through shit and then you're in another fucking Castle! You gotta think about it? Well, I don't believe the hype. You'll have a lot of time to think when you are smoking on my warp pipe!"
Peach: "OMG I can't decide, on which of you should be the guy, to take me on a Mustache ride that'll redefine my life!"
Peach and Luigi: "I'm ready to give love a shot, it's not about how many coins you got. I just know I like you a lot!"
Mario: "Yo sluts, check out my Yacht"
Luigi: "Let me take you on a magic kart ride."
Mario: "I'll bust off your Balloons when I smack your backside."
Luigi: "We'll have such fun, I'll bring my friends along!"
Mario: "I'll kick that Donkey Kong right in his Konkey Dong!" Come on Peach, it's time to make your choice! I'm the only brother that can make your boobies rejoice! Green lanky ass brother ain't got shit on me! It's time to live out our story of the Princess and the PEA"
Mario: "So who's it gonna be Princess?"
Peach: "I choose... Toad."
Peach:"Well, his whole body's shaped like a dick."
Luigi: "Oooh yeah"
"Mushrooms look like dicks, yeah definetely."
It's Dangerous to Go AloneEdit
An Old man, showing concern for Link's quest, offers him a magic weapon. However, Link is shocked by what the magic weapon actually is and flees. To make matters worse, his Ocarina has malfunctioned.
Animated Music VideoEdit
Link: "Hey. Heh. Alright. Yeah. Oh yeah."
"My name is Link ya'll, I'm straight outta Hyrule. Been on the force of good since 1986- old school. I'm bringing you a laid-back summertime jam.
"Hold on a minute, Link!"
Link: "Hey what's up Old Man?"
Old Man: "I see that you're embarking on another epic quest. You're going to
use your ocarina to rescue the Princess, but you'll need a magic weapon that'll never ever miss. It's dangerous to go alone! Take this!"
Link: "Oh, thanks, old man. That is really very nice. I can always count on you for help and friendly advice.
Though, I've never seen a sword of quite that shape or size....Oh god, that's not a sword! It's your dick in disguise."
Old Man: "Yes, I can't lie. I have painted my shween! Now grab your destiny, if you know what I mean! Wait a minute Link, don't leave the cave, where do you think you're going!? This is a great chance to fondle old scrotum that you're blowing!"
Link: "That was... weird but whatever there is no time to lose! I gotta warp out right to Zelda in this chilled-out groove. Wait, this isn't Ganon's lair. I'm in Liberty City. This place looks just like Philadelphia, but even more shitty. I'm at the corner of Dead Cop and Prostitute Junction. Something in my Ocarina must have gone and malfunctioned. I gotta fix it quickly. There is justice to do!"
"Hold on a minute Link!"
Link: "Old man, is that you?"
Old Man: "This is a place you can't survive with just your sword and your witz. It's dangerous to go alone, take this!"
Link: "Well that's really kind of...gah! That's your wrinkled dick again! Look, I know I wear a tunic, but I'm not into men!"
Old Man: "Don't be that way bitch, let me introduce you, to my three best friends Mr Johnson and the Juice Crew"
"If you see the Princess Zelda, well you know you're gonna grab her, so why don't you try to come grab my inflatable poo jabber?"
Link: "Oh my god! I gotta warp out of here. Princess Zelda awaits. I must defeat Ganondorf before it gets too late!. OK, now I really don't know where I am!"
"Hold on a minute Link!"
Link: "Goddamit Old Man!"
Old Man: "You're in Racoon City, it's a Zombie abyss. It's dangerous to go alone, take-"
Link: "No! Fuck you! Fuck you! I'm not giving you a- I'm not touching your Ween! Stop the chilled out groove! Jeez! I come in here, you tell me you've got a wee wee weapon! It's not cool! Not gonna touch it! I'm not gonna spptch- no!"
Old Man: "So is that a no on the handjob, or...?
Mega Marital ProblemsEdit
With their relationship going down the drain, Megaman and his wife take a trip to Couples therapy and meet an old friend.
Dr Wily: "Hello Megaman und Mrs Megaman. Velcome to couples therapy. I am Dr Wily.
Mega Man: "Dr Wily? You're a therapist now!? But you're evil and bent on world domination!"
Dr Wily: "Not any more. Those days are behind me. Don't question it. Shut up. Just tell me the problem over this hot beat!"
Megaman: "OK... well, you see doc, I've got a pretty nice life. A mega house with two kids, and a hot Mega wife. But I got a little problem with my android bride, when it comes to making love she's never satisfied"
Mrs Megaman: "We've been fucking for decades, sex has gotten routine, we gotta spice that shit up, I'm not a total machine! I'm sick of all the romance and the cuddles and the love. It's time to get dirty and do all the weird stuff!"
Dr Wily: "It would be seeming to me, zat zee problem here is you don't listen to your wife. She is being clear."
Mega Man: "But she says the same thing like a tape recorder!"
Dr Wily: "Quiet! Zee Doctor is talking! Zer must be order! Sorry, I'm not evil anymore...
"You must beat zee Robot Masters to aqquire skills and then use them on your wife, when she is getting drilled. Maybe she likes shocks from Elec Man's beam or get burned by Fireballs, she's a freaky man's dream."
Mega Man: "Is that what you want, hon? A Robot Master?"
Mrs Mega Man: "Get out and do it you stupid bastard!"
Dr Wily: "Your marriage will be healthy like pure spring water. Now leave my office before you're slaughtered!
Mega Man: "Fine! I'll kick ass if it saves my marriage, for the satisfaction of my ladies undercarriage. First I'll take out Fireman not much of a test. Oh, your weakness is Ice? I would've never fucking guessed! Now Ice Man is here, this shouldn't take up too much time. Oh, is your weakness Fire? You just blew my fucking mind! I cut Cut Man and he's gonna need stitches. Bomb and Elec Man just went down like little bitches.
Mega Man Zero: "Wait, you douchebag! I'm gonna end your life. I am Mega Man Zero and I'm here to plow your wife. I bring sex moves from the future, and my skills are vast, like my super double ultra mega nut buster come blast! Oh! Women can't resist my blonde flowing locks. I'll slap a stamp right on my package and deliver your wife the cock. My shining armour is Red, the color of victory, while your fruity suit is Blue like your balls will soon be. Wait? What are you doing?"
Mega Man: "Mega dick activate!!"
Mega Man Zero: "Aaaah!"
Dr Wily: So Mega Man harnessed all zee power of zee masters and killed Zero with his mega laser dick schlong blaster and zen he banged his wife until she screamed "Yes more!" and zen she loved him again because she's a shallow whore! ....Sorry zat vas misogynistic. She is a whore, though. "
Mega Man: "What'd you say?"
Dr Wily: "Nussing! ...Douche"
Rap Battle: Ken VS RyuEdit
Ryu and Ken decide to set aside their differences with a rap battle to the death.
Animated Music VideoEdit
Ryu: "Hey Ken."
Ken: "What's up Ryu?"
Ryu: "You know I think you're a fucking dick right?"
Ryu: Well, I think we should settle this shit once and for all, with a rap battle ot the death."
Ryu: "Do you think you can stop eating Penis long enough to do that?"
Ryu: "Alright, let's do this!"
Announcer: "Round 1! Rap!" "Fuck you ken you're such a little fucking bitch, I'm gonna break your fucking spine in half and throw you in a ditch! Start up the fuckin' beat and drop the motherfucking bass, so I can shoot a load of Hadouken all over your face! I'll break your glass jaw like it was made of fucking Straw hat. Shredding you up worse, than Vega fappin' with his claw hand. Cammy and Chun Li don't think you're sexy at all. They're both coming home with me. One for each of my balls. Like a bonus round car, your ass is getting destroyed. My cock is more swollen than Zangief's thyroid. Your dick's three inches hard, I'm working with a soft ten, so what you gotta mother fuckin' say to me Ken!?
Ken: "I really don't appreciate those things you just said. I was raised to respect others and sometimes words can be hurtful and I.. just...I...I just think that maybe, yo, an apology is in order!"
Announcer: Round 2! Rap!
Ryu: "It's my honest suspicion you're gonna want a physician. Only morticians are the ones to help your future condition, cause me whupping on your ass is a time hounoured tradition, so now I'll do it even faster in the Turbo Edition! Watch your back bitch, I'm gonna make you scream! My dick shoots farther than the arm of Dhalsim! Just like Sagat's chest, you're gonna need a skin graph. Now please enjoy the tart tangy taste of my shaft! My rythmes are fat like the sumo E.Honda. I'm the king of dick jungle with my giant anaconda. I'll harness my Chi and beat your ass with the Tao, so what you gotta motherfuckin' say to me now!?"
Ken: "All right, two can play at this game....dick penis man! Can you lose to me in a rap battle? Shoryuken! eheheehe..."
Ken: "Auuuugh! You have proven that you are the best. You have Hadoukened a giant hole in my chest."
Ryu: "Hey, you did it. You rythmed on beat."
Ken: "Oh yeah, cool!"
Ryu: "Yeah, great job man!
Ken: "Thank you so much I-"
Ryu: "I knew you could do it!"
Ken: "I..I appreciate i-"
Ryu: "Tatsumaki Senpukyaku!"
Ken: "Ooouuugh! My schrotums..."
Simon Belmont crashes Dracula's party and ends up murdering all of the guests.
Dracula: "It was a dark and spooky Halloween night, when I Dracula thought I would invite all of my freaky friends who were there in a flash, to a big dance party. A Monster Bash! Wolfman, Frankenstein and Mummy were there, while Medua fed some mice to the snakes in her hair. It was a groovy good time for a vampire bat, to fly out of his coffin and...wait, what was that?"
Simon Belmont:" 'Tis I! Never fear Simon Belmont is here, to destroy evil monsters and all you hold dear. I will end your cruel necromancing.
Wolfman: "Actually we were just dancing"
-Simon murders Wolfman-
Simon Belmont: "To hell demon beasts, from whence you came. You're in Castlevania, this isn't a game! Now run away, free this land of its chains. As God as my witness, I will see you all slain!"
Dracula: "Later that night, we went back to my castle, where we could dance in peace and also never get hassled. We had fun playing Twister on my queen sized bed. The party was smaller cause Wolfman was dead. At midnight I heard the Grim Reaper say, "I brought Guitar Hero, so who wants to play?"
It was Swampman on vocals, Nosferatu on bass. Boy, you should have seen the funny silly look on his- Oh god no!"
Simon Belmont: " 'Tis I! Never fear, Simon Belmont is here.
Simon Belmont: The power of christ is enfused in my spear. I'll put an end to your horrible reign.
Guest: "But we're just playing Twister!"
Simon Belmont: "I rip out your brain!"
-The guest is murdered-
"I will restore all the glory of light. With my whip and my crystals, I'll take back the night!
Medusa: "You knocked over the chips!"
-Medusa is murdered-
Simon Belmont: "Sound the death knell. Medua, you she-bitch, I will see you in Hell!"
Dracula: "For the love of god Simon, what the fuck is your deal?"
Simon Belmont: "You don't invite me to your parties, do you know how that feels?"
Dracula: "Are you frigging serious? You killed all my guests! Just cause you felt left out!?"
Simon Belmont: "No! ...yes"
Dracula: "Well, monsters like me can still be your friend. Just stop bringing our lives to a god awful end. Now, since we are the only ones left alive, let's play two-man Twister! Come on, give it a try!"
Dracula: "Right foot Green!"
-Simon Belmont stabs Dracula-
Simon Belmont: "Sorry, sorry. Force of habit. Well, he is dead. Looks like I have won at Twister!"
Book of NookEdit
Tom Nook informs you of the dangers, of living in his Animal Crossing town.
Tom Nook: "Oh shit, let's play Animal Crossing now. Come on everybody, I'll show you how. Now listen real close, I'mma tell you the sitch, 'cause my name is Tom Nook and I run this bitch. Congratulations! You bought a new home! Oh you can't afford it? I can give you a loan. You can catch some bugs 'till the debts been paid, 'cause you're the newest member of my slave trade. That's right motherfucker, this shit got real. I rule this crossing with my balls of steel. I also like to run it with huge-ass guns, and Timmy and Tommy, my giant mongoloid sons. Kapp'n the turtle is gonna be your new guide. He can show you where the people who have crossed me died, so gimmie your Bells and don't misbehave or I'll get Mr. Resetti to fuckin' dig you a grave.
Danny: "Animal Crossing, Animal Crossing, is not a place you wanna fuck around! (woooooah) Now you're in Nook's town, where crazy shit goes down, so sell seashells and make some Bells and shut your fuckin' mouth! Animal Crossing! Animal Crossing! This is his land, now taste the back of his pimp hand. His balls are brass and he's the mayor of your fuckin' ass!"
Tom Nook: "Damm! That's right slut! You've got one choice. Bow down or get cut. You betta rec'onize the tanuki tycoon and my thug-like gang of adorable goons. My owl assasin wears a little bow-tie. You don't matter to Blathers. He'll make your ass die. He'll tell you 'bout insects, letters and numerals and he'll get KK to fuckin' sing at your funeral. Kicks sells shoes and he doesn't take sass. He'll make the boots I'll use when I stomp your ass. Brewster serves you coffee and stones and stabs your neck if you don't pay my loan, so sell some shit to my alpacas down south, and if you don't I'll pack-a my nuts in your mouth. You want in this town you better bring some bells or I'll cock the glock and fuckin' send you to hell! Yeeeah! What, you don't like my prices!? Then go somewhere else. Oh wait, you can't. You're trapped in my town bitch! So go that island, and catch some bugs. Sell 'em to my alpacas. Your nuts are on special!
Sonic's Best PalEdit
Tail's suffering from low self-esteeem, turns to PCP and starts showing reckless behaviour.
Danny:"Hey kids, would you like to hear a fun story about Sonic and Tails?"
Kids: "Eat a dick!"
Danny:"Great! Here we go! Sonic the Hedgehog, hero to all when the world needed saving he would answer the call. His little friend Tails was part of the team, but he was shitty and small and had low self-esteem. So when they gathered all the Chaos Emeralds, Tails stole them and put them under his genitals. He pawned them all in a spending spree, for his crippling addiction to PCP. "C'mon!" Sonic said "Let's go collect Rings! and run through the meadow and jump on springs! We'll laugh and we'll play all day and all night. Wow, your eyes are red Tails, are you feeling alright?
Tails: YO FUCK YOUR RINGS SONIC, IT'S TIME TO GET REAL! I'M GONNA KILL A MOTHERFUCKA JUST TO SEE HOW IT FEELS! IF YOU DARE TO COME AT ME, YOU BETTER COME AT ME STRONG. I'LL BREAK YOUR SORRY ASS LEGS IF YOU LOOK AT ME WRONG. I'M TAILS THE FOX YOU LITTLE BITCH AND I'M ON THE ATTACK, MY ENDOCRINE SYSTEM IS FUCKIN' RIDDLED WITH CRACK. NOW I'VE GOT HALLUCINATIONS THAT ARE OUT OF CONTROL, AND I CAN TASTE COLORS AND I'M GONNA SKULLFUCK YOUR SOUL *screaming AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Sonic: "Hey Tails, we've got got fun times in store, what's the first thing you'd like to do today?"
Sonic: "Ha! You're funny! We'll have a great time. There are lakes to swim in and mountain to-
Danny:"So Sonic and Blaze played a game of lacrosse, while Tails slammed a bunch of sluts like a boss. He was about to bust nuts all up in a ho when Robotnik showed up."
Tails: "Oh hell no!"
Danny:"Tails knew he must defend the whole city, so he stopped doing blow off the hooker's dang titties. Sonic said "Robotnik, you gosh darn clown. I'm gonna jump on you until you fall down!"
Tails: "HEY! STAND THE FUCK BACK I GOT A BETTER SOLUTION. IT'S TIME FOR OLD-SCHOOL STREET JUSTICE DEATH EXECUTION. ROBO-BITCH, HERE'S SOME MOTHERFUCKIN' CAPS FOR YOUR HEAD! BLAW BLAW! NOW THAT EGG SHAPED COCKSUCKER'S DEAD! I'M TAILS THE FOX, DO I HAVE TO FUCKING SAY IT AGAIN? I AM EXPLODING WITH EVIL THAT YOU CANNOT COMPREHEND. I JUST COMMITTED A MURDER, BUT THERE IS NO TIME TO REST. LET'S GET OUR FRIENDS OVER, HAVE A GIANT FOREST FUCKFEST!
Danny: "Sonic was too traumatized to reply, it was the first time he had seen another man die, but it wasn't the last. Tails made sure of that when he broke Big's Spine and wore his ass as a hat. Tails the Fox his mind is blown. He'll kick you right in your Special Zone. I think I'm gonna call the cops on him but he will never know about it. OH FUCK!!!
Tired of being treat like a sex object, Samus gives Kraid a piece of her mind.
EgoRaptor: "There was a bounty hunter in the depths of space, and she could easily combine your stupid ass with your face. Her name was Samus Aran and she would destroy Metroids, when she wasn't totally pissed she was extremely annoyed. She stood up to every challenge no matter how demanding, and her courage was amazing and her boobies were outstanding."
EgoRaptor: "Uh...Nothing, I was just saying that you're brave. Um ok, Hey! Look over there! It's Kraid!"
Kraid: "I'm the strongest dragon that you've ever seen. You're gonna die motherfucker, I take up five screens! I'm gonna swallow you whole and then you'll go down easy, then you'll be digested and converted to feces! I'll take off your helmet and see the fear in your eyes, and your beautiful hair and your well-toned tighs, and your pillowy lips... and wait, you're not a guy?"
Samus: "Is that a problem, you fuck!?"
Kraid: "Uh, no. Prepare to die!"
EgoRaptor: "Kraid was hesitating but Samus was set to fight. She got into a battle stance that made her butt look super tight, then Kraid said: "No wait, I think there has been a gigantic mistake. I actually just wanted to give you some desserts that I baked" But Samus said: "What pisses me off most in this world is when enemies get nice when they all find out I'm a girl. So do me a favour and take your cakes and your pies and shove them so far up your ass that they end up behind your eyes. Stop treating me like I'm a sex object. Mother Brain's a woman but she gets respect!"
Mother Brain: "Yeah, Kraid! You never talk to me that way!"
Kraid: "Oh gosh, I wonder if it's because you're a huge disgusting Brain..."
Samus: "Get the fuck off my planet, this is your last chance!"
Kraid: "I'm gonna go ahead and slide out of my pants."
Samus: "That's it, you're all fuckin' dead!"
Kraid: "What? This room feels stuffy. By the way, do you like puppies? Here's a basket of puppies!"
Samus: "Whoops...killed the Puppies."
Kirby's Adventure in ReamlandEdit
NinjaSexParty and EgoRaptor sing about having sex with Kirby.
EgoRaptor: "Hey, Kirby's in Dreamland! Gonna eat all your shit! Including you!"
"Yoooo Dream Land's where it's motherfuckin' at. Seeing Dedede eating food 'cause he's motherfuckin' fat! There's a little pink bastard who's eating even faster! His name is Kirby, bitch and he's the motherfuckin' master! Eats big things, spits them out with great force. So that got me thinking about my dick of course. You know he's DTF, this ain't Super Smash Brothers! Kirby's banned from tournaments, for fuckin' all yo mothers."
Danny: "NinjaSexParty and Kirby, Egoraptor getting dirty. You got six inches? We got 30!"
EgoRaptor: "Each, motherfucker!"
Danny:"It's time turn down all the lights, make sure the mood is right, cause we are slamming Kirby tonight!"
EgoRaptor: "Yeah, yeah! That's right, I'm fuckin' Kirby in the back of my car! He's transporting on my dick like it's a mothafuckin' warp star. You never see his tongue, but you better know it's there, 'cause once he's got it strung you gotta look it up on FourSquare. Three bitches just checked up into that shit. Zelda, Peach and Lolo's girlfriend like a big banana split! Kirby's dick's a yellow fruit, just chilling in the middle. Hanging over each edge, making Double D's appear a little. Scratch that bitch, they suckin' on a twinkie. Dipping cream on their lips, wipe it off with girly pinkies. Everyone's satisfied when that little pink guy starts creeping up their thighs, but they better get in line because I'm fucking Kirby tonight! and I'll never have a better night, a better night!"
Meta Knight: "Excuse me, did somebody say Meta Knight?"
EgoRaptor: "No! Fuck off!"
Danny: "He's like a little pink potato, sucking on balls like they're Metamatoes, screaming "Oh god" like a double rainbow!"
EgoRaptor: "What does it mean, motherfucka?"
Danny: "Can't be wrong if it feels right, we're painting Dreamland white, 'cause we are slammin' Kirby tonight!"
EgoRaptor: "Fuck yeah!"
The Simple Plot of Final Fantasy SevenEdit
Cloud stars in a Gaming Talk Show about games with simple plots, but his plot ends up being far too complex than the other guests.
Presenter: "Hello, and welcome to Talking Video Games. Today's subject is games with simple plots. I'd like to welcome our guests. Would each of you please say who you are and give a brief summary of the plot of your game?"
Pac-Man: "Yes, hello. I'm Pac-Man I eat dots and fruit."
Donkey Kong: "My name is Donkey Kong. I throw barrels at a guy."
Cloud: "Hi, I'm Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy 7. My game's plot is pretty simple. It goes like this: I was a mercenary working for the Avalanche gang. Awesome eco-terrorist's who you'd probably want to bang. I got trapped in a reactor shortly after my last raid, and got shot into a slum where I could've gotten Squaids. ...That's squirrel aids for anyone who's wondering at home. Anyway, I met a girl outside the Midgar Zone. Her name was Aerith, and I soon became her body guard. She knew how to work a staff and she made my body hard."
Presenter: "Okay, Cloud, this is getting complex, so we're gonna move on to one of our other guests."
Cloud: "I knew that Aerith was a cetra."
Presenter: "Excuse me, I was singing..."
Cloud: "She could lead us to a promised land, where energy was springing. I went to rescue her, but I was captured and detained, then I met Red XII, a talking Lion with a mane. The president of Shinra was shot by Sephiroth. A super evil Jonovah style monster clone jerk-off."
Cloud: "So we learned about Jonovah, got our things and then departed."
Presenter: "Wait, I'm totally confused."
Cloud: "I haven't even gotten started! We met Cait Sith, as well Vincent, Sid and Yuffie. We had gotten very tired, and my balls were kinda poofy, so Aireth let us rest. Her tight ass continued on, until Sephiroth killed her and she turned into a Swan."
Cloud: "Wait, that didn't happen! Sorry, let me get rebooted! This is sort of where the plot gets a little convoluted! An earthquake happened and it started snowing like December, then some other shti went down that I don't seem to remember."
Presenter: "You're using up the whole show, Cloud! Please take a rest. So let's hear from one of our many other fine guests. Q-Bert, what's your game about?"
Q-Bert: "I jump on blocks"
Presenter: "and you Asteroid ship?"
Asteroid Ship: "I blow up rocks."
Cloud: "Back to my story: Sephiroth was casting spells, to make a giant meteor and blow Gaia to hell."
Glass Joe: "Wait, that doesn't make sense, how on earth would you know..."
Cloud: "Shut your stupid french mouth. No one asked you Glass Joe! God!"
Presenter: "Oooh, so sorry. I'm gonna cut your story short. Your plot is way too friggin' crazy and and we've got one more guest we need to meet. And here he is now."
Frogger: "Hi, my name is Frogger and I try to cross the street."
Cloud: "Fuck you, Frogger! I killed Hojo and I went to the planet's core. Sit down, Ninja Gaiden! I'm not done, you stupid whore! We defeated Sephiroth, who was now in god-like form and cast a holy spell to stop the asteroid storm. The lifestream stopped the meteor, the whole planet was saved."
Dig Dug: "After hearing that plot, I think I have to go shave."
Cloud: "You got something to say, Dig Dug? You wanna fucking go!? Wait, why's this hose in my ass? Oh, jesus god, no!"
Egoraptor: "One, two, three, I gotta go pee!"
Dan: "Whooa whooa! Sorry to interrupt this amazing rap Egoraptor, but we're out of time for this album."
Egoraptor: "What? Really?"
Dan: "Yeah, we're gonna have to save all our raps for the next Starbomb album."
Egoraptor: "Oh my god! Another album!"
Dan: "You better beleive it! It's totally a thing that's happening!"
Egoraptor: "Dude, it's gonna be amazing!"
Dan: "It's gonna be so crazy! Hey producer Dave, can you stop the music for a second?"
Egoraptor: "Hey Dan, you wanna see how close I can get to the mic?"
Dan: "I bet I can get closer."
Egoraptor: "No, I bet I can get closer."
Dan: "I bet I can get closer."
-Egoraptor goes up close to the mic and makes choking noises-
Egoraptor: "Seeya next album"
-They both laugh-
Player Select is the second Starbomb album and was released on December 16th, 2014.
Egoraptor: "Ho ho ho, hee hee hee, and that's where I went to pee!"
Danny: -in background- "Nailed it!"
Egoraptor: "Hi there, I'm Arin Hanson. I was just finishing off my amazing "one, two, three I gotta go pee" song from the last Starbomb album. Thanks for coming to my space mansion. My friends Danny and Brian from NinjaSexParty have been crashing up here with me while we wrote this album."
Danny: "That's right, Arin. It sure has been fun orbiting the Earth with you. This mansion has style. We've been bathing in Champagne every night, taking our diamond space Helicopter out for joyrides. Partying with super models, robots, robot super model robots and occasionally writing music."
Egoraptor: "Remember that time when Ninja Brian opened the air lock and flipped us off, as our chests collapsed from the sudden decompression?"
Danny: "Hahahah! Yes I do. What a merry prankster! Anyway, this is the time on the album when we respectfully thank game developers for not suing us. Ninja Brian, would you care to explain the intracies of fair use and parody law?"
-Ninja Brian is silent-
Egoraptor: "Thank you Brian, and thank you: the fans for buying this album and supporting us."
Danny: "We love you, so damm much, and without you we wouldn't even be able to afford this fart sound effect.
-Fart sound is played-
Egoraptor: "Yay." And now... on with the show!"
After Luigi and his friends are challenged to a Smash Bros match, he must choose between the value of friendship or the glory of winning.
Animated Music VideoEdit
EgoRaptor: "It was a beautiful day, and everyone was excited. There was a picnic and the whole Nintendo crew was invited. Luigi stood up and said "Listen, everyone I love you guys, you are my best friends in the world, you make me glad to be alive!"
Announcer: "Excuse me, hi there. I'm the Announcer for a fun family game, it's called Super Smash Brothers."
Luigi: "That sounds nice, how do we play?"
Announcer: "Well, first I'm going to warp you into a world of hate and war, where you'll assault everyone you've ever known and loved before.
Luigi: "I don't think I wanna do that..."
Announcer: "Oh c'mon, it'll be a bash! Now grab all your little friends, 'cause it's time for us all to mothafuckin' Smash!"
NinjaSexParty: "Woooah, let's go! Kick the shit out of your friends!"
Luigi: "Wait no, that's not cool."
Danny: "Have a blast as you beat their ass, and they're forced to clap for you in the end."
EgoRaptor: " 3, 2, 1, Smash!"
Danny: "Mario's poor chode has been destroyed 200%."
Mario: "I need that chode!"
Luigi: "Can't we all just get along?"
All: "Abso-fucking lutely not! You've gotta Smash!"
EgoRaptor: "The park was destroyed, hundreds of by-standers dead, Kirby held Donkey Kong captive in his huge disgusting head. Fox said: "Hey Mario, stop crying. Just physche up and fight instead!"
Luigi: "I'm Luigi, all these blood-stains make my overalls look red!"
Announcer: "Sonic looked tough, till Link kicked him in the stuff. The madness of cold blood and murder'd overtaken Jigglypuff. He blasted Bowser to infinity with one massive ass hit, and then he took three Falcon Punches like it wasn't even shit!"
Luigi: "Is the time almost over? I can't tell, my face is mashed."
Announcer: "Don't worry, Luigi! The clock says 4, 3, 2, 1, Smash!"
Luigi: "This blows"
Danny: "You know when Mario and Peach eloped you were screwed."
Luigi: "You're my own brother!"
Danny: "Pikachu's name is fuckin' cute, when he is trying to electrocute you!"
Pikachu: "Pika pii!"
Samus: "What do you want?"
Danny:"Is pissed, you got a small amount of dirt on her suit."
Samus: "Oh, you're dead bitch."
Luigi: "This is the last goddam straw!"
Announcer: "Oh shit, I think Luigi's gonna fucking Smash!"
Luigi: "Hey look at me now! I'm beating my friends! I have no regrets! This is the fucking best! Yes, I can see now! We're having fun in the end! Now it all makes sense!
Luigi: "I guess just because we Smash eachother doesn't mean we're not brothers."
-Mario punches Luigi-
Luigi: "Ahh! Mario, you suck!"
Mario: "Bite me!"
Robots in Need of DisguiseEdit
After the Autobots' disguises become too well-known, they decide to switch things up.
Egoraptor: "Rolling out, mothafuckers, it's the robots in disguise. Led by Optimus Prime. A bot who's power never dies. Cars and Vans and Planes fucking Construction Trucks, they're going undercover 'cause Decepticons don't give a fuck!"
Optimus: "Autobots, it's time. We're rolling out.
Danny: "Oh my god that Truck is Optimus without a doubt!"
Optimus: "Uh... no I'm not."
Danny: "Yes you are, my dearest robot bro. You guys been on my lunchbox since the 19-fucking-80's, yo!"
Optimus: "Oh balls, Autobots, listen here. I think it's time to try to find another way to dissapear. New disguises that our enemies could never recognise. Bumble may become a burger; Prowl, you are the side of fries!
Optimus: "Do it! Don't you wanna light our darkest hour? Jazz, you're now a birthday cake. You got the touch, I got the flour!"
Danny: "Autobots, roll out! Let's show them what we're all about. Catch you by surprise, when we're in disguise, as a trunk full of sprouts and a tiny Asian girl scout.
Danny: "Now the time has come."
Danny: "to rock the Deceptiscum! They better be alert, 'cause we can now convert to a skirt, polo shirt and a little mound of wet dirt."
Danny: "MegaTron will pay. As soon as I take on the form of this delightful Souffle` "Okay!" "Woooah"
Egoraptor: "After hours and hours of transforming into stuff, the Autobots decided on a plan that's super, duper tough!"
Optimus: "Those Deceptidicks won't see us coming at all, when we roll up together as random Kiosks at the local mall."
Optimus: "Who'd even take to guess that Bumblee is selling cell phone chargers for £3 less a cent?"
Optimus: "They'll never know we're here! While we're hawking beauty products making teenage acne dissapear! As if, they could stop Ratchet before, Bitch. He's teamed up with Ironhide to form a turkey sandwich! And I haven't even mentioned the ace that's up my sleeve, he rocks a jet engine that'll make your ears bleed. He'll betray MegaTron, plus he's boisterous and loud! This is your moment, come on Starscream now bring it down!"
Starscream: -quietly- "Hey, this... I'm Star Scream..."
Starscream: "I just wanted to say that MegaTron..."
Optimus: "Just speak up, man."
Starscream: "MegaTron, you're going down. I'm gonna w- I'm gonna..."
Starscream: "psst kchu chu chgu...I'm gonna win... I'm Starscream."
Optimus: "Ugh, come on!"
Starscream: "I'm Starscream wus... chuk ptu... mmm ktchuu"
Optimus: "Alright, you know what? Forget it."
Dan: "Autobots, let's fight"
Dan: "these enemies with all our might! It's time to do what's right, and transform tonight! To five kites, egg whites and a family of field mice."
Dan: "The Decepticons are now ten tanks and a giant gun! While Grimlocks a rake, and I'm a warn milkshake. There's a small chance that we made a very tiny mistake."
Dan: "Well, it's too late now. We're the good guys and I'm sure that everything will work out."
Egoraptor: "MegaTron, you're going do-
Starscream: "Optimus, I had really I allaaah..."
Optimus: "Starscream... Shhhhut up!"
Starscream: "Uh, mkay"
The Hero of RhymeEdit
Link miscontrues his "Hero of Time" title and finds himself in a battle with Ganon.
Link:"Aww yeah. It's me, Link again. Baby, that's right, I'm back. Last time I quested for Zelda, I got a little off-track. But now my confidence is at an all-time high, because Navi just anointed me the Hero of Rhyme."
Navi: "I said the Hero of Time!"
Link: "That's right. The Hero of Rhyme! I don't need no Sword or Shield, I'm gonna be just fine."
Navi: "Hey listen, I think..."
Link: "Sssh, I got my beats and jams. I'm taking Ganon down now, no thanks to you, Old Man.
Old Man: "What?"
Danny: "Link, thank god you're here. The countryside is terrifed and shocked. We're over-run with Darknuts, Peahats, Leevers, Gels, and Octorocks! You're our Hero of the ages, with a sword and helping hand. We really need your skills!"
Link: "Oh, you need my skills? Aw damm! Moblins, no problem and Octorocks don't know poppycock! Gotta get that Triforce tomorrow, but first I gotta do my pop and lock! When I see an Iron Knuckle, imma buckle up my pants, 'cause those bitches don't fuck around when I kick on my Z-Target Dance! But see, with me, I've gotta find a different way to defeat. Don't use my sword and shield but I know this flow is good enough to kill. The Hylian people rejoice, 'cause your hero is the illest motherfuckin' rapper with the illest fuckin' voice! How was that? Those raps doing anything for you?"
Danny: "OH GOD! EVERYONE IS DEAD!"
Link: "Moving right along to Ganon's underground lair...."
Danny: "EVERYTHING'S ON FIRE!"
Link: "Don't worry, I'm not scared. I'll save all of Hyrule with the tastiest rhymes I can spit. Now watch and learn, Navi!"
Navi: "You're a stupid piece of shit!"
Link: "Wanna go Ganon? Get your pig-ass over here and try me! Just ignore the burning hellscape that's collapsing in behind me. You have never seen a rapper close to my skills whatsoever. Oh, I see you brought a giant glowing sword? That's cool. Whatever. 'Cause Hey! I'm gonna be the last thing you see, when you lose against me here in the ruins of this city! Yeah, ah! No bigger battle than here, 'cause by the time you swing your sword I'm gonna-
Oh! Woah! Chill out! Gotta fill out. This sword was born for a partner who can, maybe, I don't know, come out and help me out in a real bout!"
Navi: "Hey listen, Link! Your rapping doesn't stink, but Ganon's standing right there with a giant sword-
Danny: "Oooh, ooooh, tssss, oooh...."
Toad Joins the BandEdit
Mario and Luigi need a new band member, in the hopes that they'll bring their songs to the top of the charts.
-Instrumental plays and fades out-
Luigi: "Wow, Mario. Our band is sounding great!"
Mario: "I agree, Luigi. We just need a lead singer to take our songs to the top of the charts!"
Luigi: "How about Toad?"
Mario: "Yeeesss! Hey Toad, come over here and sing to this."
-instrumental plays again-
Toad: "HELLO! HEY! MARIO! AH! I'M TOAD!
-Instrumental fades out again-
Luigi: "Mario, can I talk to you over here about Toad for a second please?"
Luigi: "I am scared. I am very scared. I hate my life.
Mario: It was like a chicken screaming in my ears. His whole body's shaped like a dick though."
Luigi: "Good news, Toad! You've got the job!"
Mario and Luigi: "Ah!"
The New PokeRapEdit
Following the events of I Choose You to Die Ash recooperates in a hospital, then Brock introduces him to the new Pokemon upon request.
Ash: "My name's Ash Ketchum, baby! My life is back on track. But I've been in the hospital since Pika shot me in the sack, and I don't know about all the new Pokemon."
Brock: "Yo bro, I can help you with that!"
Ash: "Hey Brock! I'll do all the singing and you take care of the raps!"
Brock: "Alright, let's go! Pikachu, Squirtle, Venasaur, Arkanite, Diglett, Jigglypuff, Muk.
Ash: "Oh I know these guys."
Brock: "Asscloud, Nippleclamp, Poopypants, Dinglydoodle, Ranchbreath, Turkeyburger, Beefhead, Clock."
Brock: "Haterade, Bubbledump, Overdraft, Headcheese, Picklefeet, Frontbutt, Softbreak, Comicwhore, Underloaf, Chairwolf, Manatease, Freebase, Nickelback, Lumbersack, Tinyhead, Door.
Ash: "A-are you serious? You're not making those up? Those are real!?
Brock: "Haha! You know it bro! Gotta catch em' all!"
Ash: "Well, it seems new types of Pokemon are coming out really fast!"
Brock: "Oh, there are more..."
Ash: "Really? Wait, I'm immediatly sorry that I asked."
Brock: "We've got: Jigglystuff, Adamsapple, Frognut, Waterbottle, Candyass, Tracklighting, Pick-a-dilly, Man, Lamberguineapig, Artstudent, Tinkleburg, Flavorsaver, Trainlick, Coffeemunch, Poodlehat, Dataplan, Wondernug, Telechubby, Ravermouse, Milkstain, Yogafish, Oldperson, Freezeclump, Ponysquirt, Oilyshorts, Dad's Sweater, Pop-a-squat, Hairystump, Wetsocks, Shatternut, Noodlearm, Shirt."
Ash: "They're running out of ideas, and I can't take any more!"
Brock: "Don't worry, there's only a couple left."
Ash: "How many?"
Brock: "Uh, 300, 64"
Brock: "Stinkledink, Cuddlydeath, Argument, Pillowbite, Drumsolo, ActuallySatan, Weinisfriend, Dinobooty, Santajew, Clevergirl, Straightuptoilet, Whalesnail, Fiddly-Faddily, Biddly-Baddly, Diddly-Doodly, Hiddly-Hoodly, Snaggletoosh, Poolboy, Drizzlenips, Spatalanturn, Thuma Urman, Bunch-a-nugget, Manglerubber, Catdeer, Fuglyrumpth, Phlemycough, Whiskertoes, Chocolatefart, Freemburglar, Swordtank, Monkeychunk, Beer.
Ash: "Fuck it! You know what? I'm going back to the hospital."
"Ah my sack... my sweet sweet sack..."
Glass Joe's Title FightEdit
Glass Joe wants to fight Mr Sandman, but Doc doesn't think he has what it takes.
Glass Joe: "Bonjour, hello. My name is Glass Joe. I'm the toughest french Boxer that you're ever gonna know. I score a TKO and drink a fine Bordeaux and flatten all my opponents like Croissant dough. I fight next week, for the champion belt, Mr Sandman is tough, and I might need a little help, so I hired Doc, he once trained an Elf, named Little Mac so now I believe in myself!"
Doc: "I'm Doc! Hi. This bitch is gon die! His overall record stands at 1 in 99, he's been hit in the head 75 too many times, now he wants to fight Sandman, dear God why? His head and his ass and bout to go through an estrangement, I think I'll start making all the funeral arrangements. I have to be responsible and tell him he can't win.
Glass Joe: "Here's 10 bucks!"
Doc: "Fuck it, let the training begin!"
Glass Joe: "Whoa, whoa, I'll be the champion! I have the heart of a lion!"
Doc: "That's clearly not gonna be enough."
Glass Joe: "I've got the skills."
Doc: "No you don't."
Glass Joe: "I've got the power!"
Doc: "Wrong again."
Glass Joe: "You'll never catch me I am like the Eiffel Tower!"
Doc: "That doesn't move."
Glass Joe: "Whoa, Whoa! I'll be the champion! I'm building an arc of triumpth!"
Doc: "That took like 30 years to build."
Glass Joe: "I've got my beret. My eau de toilette. I'll break the Sandman like a stale baguette. No sweat."
Doc: "Now 4 weeks later, and it's time for the fight. I'm sad I gotta watch a man die tonight."
Glass Joe: "Do not worry Doc, Glass Joe is built to last!"
Doc: "You get winded when you open up the Fridge too fast! Your weight training diet's all wine and cheese. You've got the body of a man with an awful disease. Your raw muscles look like a deflated apple flitter, and your punching bag is filled with cotton candy and glitter!"
Glass Joe: Zere's the bell. Thanks for your help, Doc!"
Doc: "Yeah, see you in Hell."
Glass Joe: "This is my moment, Viva La France. All my training has led to this chance. I bench 10 Q-Tips, I ran 5 feet, I did a half push-up. Victory will be sweet! There's Mr Sandman, here he comes, but I beleive in myself so I have already won! Whoa, whoa! I'll be the champion! I have the heart of a li-"
-Glass Joe is repeatedly punched-
" -In a trance- Whoa, whoa, I like candy corns, please put them in my donuts."
Doc: "Uh-aww you beat the french out of him!"
Glass Joe: "I have my-"
-Glass Joe is repeatedly punched again-
My favourite color is 7.
No more peanuts for me, stewardess. Godzilla is my dad."
Mortal Kombat HighEdit
Ken transfers to Mortal Kombat High and is introduced to the crew.
Johnny Cage: "Hey, welcome to Mortal Kombat High School. You're the new transfer student from Street Fighter High, right?"
Ken: "Yeah, I'm Ken. I like wearing red and making friends. Yay!"
Johnny Cage: "What's up, I'm Johnny Cage. Let me show you around. I'll introduce you to the crew and tell you how to get down. That hottie doing homework over there is Sonya Blade. She's the most popular girl in our entire grade, and that's Liu Kang, his kick flip helped the track team win the relay race. Maleena's sorta sexy, but she's kinda got a butter face, and over there is Raiden. He's the smartest kid in class, and this is Shan Tsung, he'll pull your spine out through your ass.
Dan: "Aiii, you're in Mortal Kombat High, where the girls are fly, and there's a pretty good chance you'll die.
Egoraptor: "Like 105% baby"
Dan: "That's right. It's time to test your might, so take your best friend and impale him on these spikes."
Ken: "Johnny Cage, I don't know if I'm gonna fit in at this school."
Johnny Cage: "Hey, don't worry, Ken. The students here are super chill and cool. Scorpion's romantic and he's gentle as a deer. Look, listen to the new love song he wrote. It's called, "Come Here".
Dan: "La la la la la la"
Scorpion: "Come here!"
Danny: "A la la la la la la la la"
Scorpion: "GET OVER HERE!"
Johnny Cage: "This is Goro, he's a demon, and he really loves to kill. He'll pull your nutsack up over your head, and roll you down a hill, and Kano he is criminally insane. Oh, by the way though, If I say so, I can make Sub-Zero crush your skull like Play-Doh. The moral is Street Fighter High can't deal with the fatalities, and if you fuck with us your death is an eventuality. You better watch your back, 'cause we will be watching you closely, and if you step to us you know that ass is gettin' Toasty!
Dan: "Yeah-eah-ah! It's prime time for romance, and if you tell Kitana your details she'll decapitate you with the fans. There is a chance you will not survive this dance. There are so many wondorous ways for us to kill your ass!"
Johnny: "Killed at a blood transfusion(Double Fatality!) Stabbed while ejaculating(Masturbatality!) Eating too much pasta(Cardohydratality!) I'm having trouble peeing, that's a Prostateality! Killed as you're concieved(Procreatality!) !Muerte Espanol(Translatality!) Cut my triple axe(Figure Skatality!)
Ken: "I like it when a girl has a nice personality!"
"Ahem. I'll see myself out..."
Inky devises a plan to escape from the Maze.
Egoraptor: "Once upon a time in 1982, there were four young Ghosts who lived under the Iron Fist of Pacman"
Blinky: "He just ate a Power Pellet! Run!"
Egoraptor: "Oh no, he's coming!"
Inky: "No! Not today my friends."
Blinky: "Inky? But what are you doing!?"
Inky: "I'm finally taking my stand, Blinky. Hear my words. I want to be free. Free from this maze. I am a Ghost, why can't I just fly away? The cruel yellow monster is not what he seems, these people pay a quarter but it costs us our dreams! Oh god. Gonna waka waka walk away, from Pacman's tyranny. I say! I shall taste freedom tonight! We ride off of the side of the screen. Okay, it looks like we're back out at the first side of the screen. That's fine! At least there are delcious cherries to eat. They're my favourite food, and are you going to eat those two Pacman--- no that's fucking great. Gonna waka waka walk away, from these chains holding me. Hooray! My moment of trumpth comes today..."
Blinky: Oh my god, Inky! Watch out, Pacman's right behind you! Death has come for us all!"
God of No MoreEdit
Kratos has a god-killing problem, so Chaires, the lord of Chairs and Drawers tries to make him see reason.
Kratos: "I am Kratos, The Destroyer. I'm the harbringer of death. All of the gods tremble before me, as they draw their final breath. In my first twelve games, I murdered every Lord the earth has seen. Now what immortal foes await me here in God of War 13?"
Danny: "Kratos, you are power mad! You're evil and insane! Your skilling streak was vicious. Now only us lesser Gods remain. You slayed my father, Ares, the overlord of endless war. So now you'll face me Chaires, the overlord of Chairs and Drawers! Let's do this! The world's out of control(so sad this planet's gone) Kratos killed them all, and now we're running out of Gods. the ones that we have we have left... They're not the best but they're our last line of defense. So, here comes Spermes, the God of busting nuts. The Mighty Twerkeles, he is the lord of Jiggly Butts, and no not all is lost. We have Posoydon sacred God of Sushi Sauce."
Kratos: "Enough! Don't mock me with these weaklings, I could slay with my bare hands! I killed the God of Love, the God of Light, and the God of One-Night-Stands! I killed the God of Tweezers, Puppets, Speedos, Footballs Skiis and Sand, and I even ayed-slay the little-lay--itch-bad-od-gay of Pig Latin.
Danny: "No more of these pathetic pawns, their blood has all been spilled. We shall unleash a champion, that's worthy of your skill. Now, here he is from distant lands, our saviour so divine."
God of Baked Potatoes: " What's up, Kratos? I'm the God of Baked Potatoes! OW MY SPINE!"
Danny: "Holy shit, there's more. He's mowing through them all. There goes the god of S'mores and also Thumbtacks, Lamps and Balls. Just one last God remains. Who is this mystery lord? He shall save our domain! I am the God of That Thing Where You're Just About To Sneeze, But Then Your Friend Is All "Hey, what's up?" And You Suddenly Freeze, But Then You Still Have That Nose Tingle, It's A Horrible Tease And You're Like "FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"
"Agh, Kratos! You are such a dick!"
Kratos: "Yes. I know. ...It's awesome."
Atari Mystery HourEdit
One of the Atari Pong paddles is murdered, and a suspect must be brought into question.
Announcer: "This week, on the Atari Mystery Hour: The Pong Paddle Puzzle."
-Dramatic music plays-
Johnson: "Chief, looks like we've got a murder on our hands. One of the Pong Paddles is dead, and the ball is missing."
Chief: "Alright then Johnson-- round up the usual suspect."
Announcer: "One hour later."
Chief: "I knew it was you Left Paddle. What do you have to say for yourself?"
-Left Paddle makes an Atari Sound-
"You son of a bitch!"
-Dramatic music plays-
MineCraft Is for EveryoneEdit
A Player seeks to teach a Creeper the meaning of friendship and happiness.
Animated Music VideoEdit
Creeper: "Strolling, down the street, the square street. A fair sheet of square sleet below my feet. Creeper's what they call me, but even I see that all of this beauty can fill me with such glee. Look at this tall tree. It's nature's majesty. Would it be so bad if someone BLEW THE FUCK OUT OF IT!? This sweet Pig here, alone walking around, he has the perfect face for GETTING RIPPED FROM THE INSIDE FUCKING OUT!"
Player: "Hey Mister Creeper.
Player:"There's no need for that kind of language.
Creeper: "FUCK YOU!"
Player: "The only F Word is fun! Life's even sweeter, without explosions! MineCraft is for everyone! Hurray! Let's all be nice today, everyone is at play and there's no need to blow them away!"
Two Guys: "Oh hi!"
Player: "Let's go help them build a house and..."
Nope, nope, see this is exactly what I'm talking about. If you've gotta curse, just use the word "Fudge" aptly no one will judge..."
Stop! No more exploding or cursing, no one else has to die! Okay?"
Creeper: "Fuck it, I'll try"
Player: "Okay, we're off to a bad start but, that's fine."
Creeper: "I'm on a nice kick, I'll make some friends quick! I don't have many because everyone's a huge di-aaaugh. I have to admit, I just might lose it, having to give up my favourite things is funking bullshrimp! Oh man, it's hard not to be mean."
Notch: "Hey Guys, do you need any help writing lyrics?"
Creeper: "No, you don't know anything about MineCraft music!"
Notch: "But--but I'm Notch"
Creeper: "More like NOTCH-yo song! Oh shhhugar-snap peas I went there!"
Player: "Tee-hee! We're so happy and free! Let's clear away the debris from all the ruined lives of your killing spree! It's fun! To be nice to some one, they'll really love you a ton!"
Creeper: "You know what? Why don't you kneel down and kiss my creepy-"
Player: "Buns! There's so much love and magic in rapture, hearts will be captured!"
Creeper: "Monkey Fighting Glass Bowl Mother Scratcher!"
Player: "We just learned a lesson, Creepers can make amends! Guess what? You're my new frie-"
The Simple Plot of Metal Gear SolidEdit
Continuing on from The Simple Plot of Final Fantasy Seven Snake from Metal Gear Solid is brought to the "Games With Simple Plots" segment of the "Talking Video Games" Show.
Host: "Hello, and welcome back to another episode of Talking Video Games. We continue today in our series of games with simple plots. Guests, please introduce yourselves and tell us the plots of your games.
Burger Time Chef:"I'm the Chef from Burger Time! I make a-the burgers!"
Centipede: "Hello, I'm Centipede. I just kinda move down the screen."
Snake: "Hey, I'm Snake from Metal Gear Solid. My game's got a pretty simple story.
Host: "Snake, I don't see your name on the list."
Snake: "Ah, my friend Cloud Strife told me to come on this show and talk about it...
Host: "Oh god no..."
Solid Snake: "It was the distant future, two thousand and five, all I wanted to do was chill out and retire, but genetically enhanced, when a case named Foxhound stole a bunch of nukes and had shit on lockdown."
Host: "Okay! We're past our time limit, Snake!"
Solid Snake: "Colonal Campbell said I had to infiltrate before they started nuclear conflicts, what a bunch of jerks!"
Host: "You're a bag of dicks!"
Solid Snake: "I climbed through an air vent and saved two guys, they shared top secrets and suddenly died of two heart attacks right out of thin air, all within five minutes!"
Host: "Oh my god! I don't care!"
Solid Snake: "Then I met Meryl, a hot box of rocks and I fought a gunslinger named Ocelot, but a cyborg Ninja cut his hand away. You know, normal shit that happens everyday."
Host: "Listen Snake, there must have been a mistake. On this show you've got to get right to the point of the game. Like the ship from Galaga."
Galaga Ship: "Hi, I shoot stuff in space"
Host: "and this car from Pole Position"
Pole Position Car: "I'm a car!"
Host: "That's great! You know, we've been through this before with your boy Cloud Strife, and he talked too long I contemplated ending my life, so let's keep things nice and simple like the hero over there from the Atari game Adventure.
Adventure Game Hero: "I'm literally just a yellow square!"
Solid Snake: "Who cares? I tried really hard to find a mech named Rex, and the ninja came back in the mix like Chex. It was Grey Fox and I fought Vulcan Raven, a big mothafuckin' Alaskan shaman. So I killed that guy, but before he died, he said Meryl liked me. I almost cried. She's a little hottie pants ooh-meow!"
Host: "It would be so great if you died right now."
Solid Snake: I killed Sniper Wolf, who was absurdly hot and then murdered three guys and an evil robot, Til' Liquid Snake and I were left alone. He said that I was his brother and a superior clone, then he died of a virus and thinking fast, Meryl saved us."
Host: "I don't give a Frog's fat ass."
Solid Snake: "Then we stayed together until the seven year itch, and now you know the simple plot of Metal Gear, bitch!"
Host: "Listen Snake, I've taken all I can take. Just because your game is simple, doesn't mean it's lame. Tell the kid from Paperboy.
Paperboy: "Yo! I deliver those papes!"
Host: "The guy from Elevator Action."
Elevator Action Guy: "Uhh...elevators?"
Host: "Okay! Dear God, why can't I just have a simple panel of guests who can say their plots in forty fuckin' minutes or less!? Now just watch me sneaker boy, you'll make me reach for my gun. I'll summarize your game and show you his this shit is really motherfuckin' done! How it's motherfuckin' done! You sneak around and save the world. The End. My god, can I get a replacement guest with a simple plot please?
Sora: "Hi, I'm Sora from Kingdom Hearts!"
Egoraptor: "Have you ever thought about a butt? Butts, butts, butts! They're totally nuts!"
Danny: "Whoa!, whoa!, whoa!. Sorry to interrupt another amazing rap, Egoraptor, but we're out of time again for this album."
Egoraptor: "What!? Again!?"
Danny: "Yeah-gain. I guess we'll just have to do Starbomb 3 and complete the Triforce. Producer Dave, can you stop the music for a second?"
Egoraptor: "Well uh... do we at least have time to play that fart sound effect again?"
Danny: "I don't know if we have it in the budget. Ninja Brian, can you crunch those numbers for me?"
-Fart sound plays-